Sonny with a Chance of Writing
by heydonttouchthat
Summary: In which I share my innermost thoughts on the three D's: dating, dieting, and the Dylan in Chad Dylan Cooper. / Channy.
1. Chapter 1

_This Diary Belongs To:_

_Allison Devonne Munroe_

_/_

**Date: **Wednesday (08/19/10)  
**Mood Music: **"Mean" by Taylor Swift

The cow jumped over the moon.

I'm the cow.

Tawni's my moon.

Let me explain.

When I was twelve and _So Random! _premiered on the Mixed(Up) channel, I no rainbows fell in love with Tawni Hart. I TiVo-ed every episode. I bought her posters. I stood in the rain for three hours outside some swanky hotel and endured disgusted looks just to get her autograph (but of course, she doesn't remember that). She became my role model, and I vowed to someday be worthy enough to work with her.

And when I was sixteen my silly wish came true. Not only that, but my comic hero became my best friend.

It's not great.

See, let me put this in the same way Tawni justified throwing away the sparkly, miracle-on-your-body, light-pink dress she bought two weeks ago—it's pretty, but I'm over it.

My best friend is completely useless to me.

All the fun things that put the "best" in best friends are just non-existent in our relationship.

I love sharing secrets.

She says sharing secrets is celebrity suicide.

I enjoy makeovers.

She threatened to stab me in the eye with her mascara wand the last time I got too close to her with her Cocoa Mocho Cocoa lipstick.

Sharing clothes is an unwritten rule.

She got a lock for her closet so effective, even Zora can't crack it.

I would go on, but the list would take up this entire diary and still need more room.

The point is, I'm in need of someone (or thing?) to let my feelings out to without being judged, and that's where you come in, my super _j'adore_-able Tinkerbell diary whom I will from now on refer to as Henry.

It is to you that I will reveal my innermost secrets and opinions.

Not to mention this is the perfect place to use my Text/IM lingo without letting anyone know I'm bandwagon-ing.

LOL THIS IZ GUNNA B SOOO MUCH FUNNNN

I can't believe I didn't think of this sooner.

Tawni's so yesterday.

So yesterday, so yesterday / I'm just a bird that's already flown away…

(Hillary Duff reference—I apologize, Henry.)

As you can see, I'm a pretty random thinker.

Makes sense.

I'm on a show called _So Random!_ after all.

And so as to not give you a metaphorical headache, I will try to categorize my scattered thoughts into the three D's.

First D:

Dating. Boys boys boys. Or rather, Tawni and my mother pressuring me about boys boys boys. They think I should date. I don't agree. Work is my top priority, and any free time I have I will from now on devote to you, my dear Henry.

Be flattered.

On to the second D.

Dieting. I spent the month of July stuffing down my grandmother's brownies and lemon bars in Wisconsin. I should've jogged back to LA. Then you wouldn't have to witness my mind-blowing inability to stick to a diet.

They call me Sonny. Because my butt is the size of the sun.

And the third D is…

…

Okay, fine.

There is no third D.

I'm not a liar, I swear, Henry! But The Two D's just sounds so lame.

Therefore, I shall make it my mission to find a third D.

I will not let you down.

Now on to more pressing things.

Like this week's episode of Gossip Girl.

OMG LOL SERENAZ SUCH A SLUT LYKE 4REALZ.

Seriously.

This season is POPPIN'.

I'll admit to you, Henry (because there are no secrets between us) I'm a closet Derena fan. I mean, Nate and Serena are cute and all, and it's pretty effing obvious that when God was giving out the looks, Chace Crawford got them twice, but Dan and Serena are just… home. Dan's such a sweetie. And I hate him and Vanessa together. I swear, WTF is up with that, anyway?

Tawni's coming.

I'm sorry to say this, Henry, but our newfound relationship must be kept under wraps.

Till next time,

_Sonny._

**Date:** Thursday (08/20/10)  
**Mood Music:** "Intuition" by Selena Gomez & The Scene

This. Right here. Is my. Pretty. Girl. Swag.

I'm in my "Real Princesses of New Jersey" costume (complete with the blond wig), texting on my new Blackberry (customized with my signature cow case, of course), and munching on a jelly-filled croissant (Oh yeah—I decided starting a diet in the middle of the week was stupid; I'm starting Monday).

Selena Gomez's new album is playing in the background. (I totally forgave her for not answering my phone calls—I blame Mr. Mackenzie for scaring her off).

Yep, this is the life.

You should've seen me walking down the hallways. Every part of me screamed SWAGGER.

Until Chad Dylan Cooper ran into my shoulder totallyonpurposethatjerk.

"Sorry, Cinderella." I could hear the smirk in his voice.

He didn't even bother to glance back at me.

"It's Snow White, actually," was my lame comeback. "Snowy, to be more exact. Get it straight!"

He walked away silently, his head held high, and looking admittedly hot in that _Mackenzie Falls_ uniform (TELL NO ONE, HENRY).

His pretty boy swag was a thousand times better than my pretty girl swag.

Yep, this was the life.

My life, to be exact.

Sigh.

Still no third D.

Still searching for third D.

I'm getting bored looking.

(Do work, son.)

**Date: **Thursday (08/20/10) – _continued  
_**Mood Song: **"Careful" by Paramore

So Chad's got himself a new leading lady on _Mackenzie Falls_.

Temporarily.

See, on the season finale in May (that I may or may not still have saved on my DVR IT'S MY MOTHER'S FAULT, MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS, HENRY!), Mackenzie spotted Chloe at his family's charity gathering, slow dancing with some snooty, European kid named Michael-Anthony (yes, all together. He's your regular Chad Dylan Cooper).

Mackenzie's too worried about class differences.

Michael-Anthony's offering a spot in first-class Tours, France.

Chloe's a smart girl.

Penelope set it all up so Mackenzie would see them romantically swaying to the music. Close-up of his adora—stupid, heartbroken face, and END OF SEASON 3.

This season, he's trying to make her jealous by pretending to date Michael-Anthony's equally snooty cousin Richelle, played by none other than Rose Signorini (she played the lead in the TriDark movies).

I ran into her in the commissary, and let's just say it didn't go well.

I'm kinda not cool.

She's kinda not nice.

With her glossy, black hair, and pale-but-in-a-pretty-way complexion, even Tawni feels threatened (not that she'd ever admit it; not that Rose would ever need to hear it).

Our less-than-a-minute long conversation pretty much consisted of me babbling about how she's my favorite character on TriDark and her running her claw-like fingernails through her straightened locks while obnoxiously popping her gum in a "Can't-you-just-screw-off?" manner.

I think I'm cursed, Henry. Cursed to have all my favorite celebrities care more about their flawless looks and fat checks than the fans whose money gets them the flawless looks and fat checks.

Meeting her bummed me out.

Chad thinks it's because I'm jealous she'll be making out with him in the upcoming episode.

Chad: Why so gloomy?  
Me: Your new guest star.  
Chad: Aw, it's okay; just remember that when I'm kissing her, the passion's not real. I know, it might be a little hard, considering my impeccable acting skills.  
Me: Jerk off.  
Chad: To your picture.

…

I didn't quite know what to say to that.

…

He was kidding, right?

…

What if he wasn't?

…

OMFG WHAT IF HE WASN'T?

…

Yeah, he totally was.

/

**Author's Note** / First story. And a poor attempt at humor. But review if you liked it, anyway, please! (:


	2. Chapter 2

**Date: **Monday (08/24/10)  
**Mood Music: **"Bottoms Up" by Trey Songz

It was a long, backhanding, vomit-inducing weekend.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't so nice. Then I wouldn't have to deal with have the things I get myself into.

It all started on Friday, after shooting for _So Random!. _Tawni put her arm around my shoulder as soon as the curtains closed (that should've been my first clue that something unwelcome was about to go down) and flashed her dazzling, never-needed-braces smile.

"Hey, best friend!" she greeted cheerfully.

At first I'd thought she had gone snooping and found you in my song pillow, Henry. I really don't know what'll happen when she finds out about you (because she _will_ find out. You can't keep anything from Tawni for long). But you can resume breathing, Henry. She's still clueless.

She came to me because of her new boyfriend, Roman. She wanted to introduce him to her family and wanted me there for support.

Of course I was excited. It was one of those rare times when Tawni was actually in need of a best friend!

…

DON'T JUDGE ME, HENRY I'LL TAKE WHAT I CAN GET.

So as you can already tell, I said "YAH SUUUREE!" and Tawni said, "GRT ITZ 2MORRO AT 7 SEE Y4H THARR!" and walked away before I could invite her to dinner with the rest of the guys.

Yes, Henry. I know I've been used. Shut up.

So before I know it, it's Saturday night, and I'm leaving my house when I get a text from—wait for it—Chad Dylan Cooper. It says, "WUT R U DOIN?" and I'm all, "what's it to you?" and he's all, "WUNNA GO OUT?" and I'm all, "I can't," and then he's all, "BYE."

WTF?

I decide to ignore it and get in my car. I fix my rearview mirror and what I see scares the sh— out of me.

"AHHHH!"

"Hey, Sonny," Zora says, while munching on a piece of beef jerky.

I go, "…"

"I guess you're wondering what I need," she says.

My left eyebrow shoots up like a Japanese arrow and I say, "Sure. Among other things."

Zora's expression turns to one of confusion. "Like what?"

"Like what the hell are you doing in my car!" I snap.

"The last time I knocked on your door, your mother was in the middle of doing the Polka," she explains. Then she shudders. "I'll never be able to unsee that."

"So you decided to take refuge in my car to avoid my mother's dancing?" I ask. "Why couldn't you wait outside?"

"It's cold outside," she says simply.

"It's August!"

"Hey, can you drive me to the park?" she asks, completely disregarding what I'd said.

"I thought you said it was cold outside," I tell her.

"It's not cold at the park," she says confidently.

I sigh. "It's getting dark. And I'm running late. Why do you need to go to the park at this hour?" I ask.

"I have to meet a guy," she says mysteriously.

I open my mouth and then close it. "Okay."

So I drive her to the park, and I'm just about to peel out of there when she says, "What are you waiting for? Get out of the car, I'm late."

I stare at her incredulously. "_You're_ late? _I'm_ late! Tawni must be pissed right now. I have to go!"

But Zora wasn't having any of that.

I ended up following her deep into the park, staring at the setting sun with worry.

After about ten minutes, Zora stops abruptly and squints her eyes. Then she nods.

"That's him," she affirms.

I follow her gaze warily and see some kid who looks to be about twelve standing by a tree. He looks pretty normal, dressed in a T-shirt and jeans. He notices us and waves us over.

I'm thinking, "Aw, Zora's got a date!" when Zora greets him as, "A-hole."

"C-blocker," he nods professionally.

…

…

This the new tween way of flirting?

I gape and A-hole turns to look at me.

"Who's the tag-along?" he asks.

I'm looking a little miffed and Zora says, "My ride." She looks up at me. "Sonny, take a walk."

I turn around and head over to an empty bench because I don't know what else to do. I spend the next twenty minutes trying not to stare at A-hole and C-blocker more than I should. Does Zora even know what a "c-blocker" is? And what are they discussing? Is he a fun-sized drug dealer? Is Zora doing drugs? Or maybe he's the guy who supplies all of her odd technology. What kind of eleven-year-old needs a blowtorch? I don't think it's even legal for her to own one of those!

I can feel a headache coming on.

I don't want to know what Zora's up to. Whatever it is, I don't want to be called in as a witness.

Instead, I think about Tawni and whether or not it's still safe to head out to her house when this whole thing is over.

Maybe Tawni's having such a blast with her family and Roman that she hasn't even noticed that I'm not there. Maybe she's handling everything so perfectly she'll thank me on Monday for not showing up. Maybe, just maybe, I'll live to see my mother's birthday in September.

…

…

…

Oh, who am I kidding?

Tawni's going to set me on fire.

My phone cow-bell-dings and you'd think it was a gunshot. I let out a squeal and duck-and-cover with my purse. After a couple of seconds, I take the bag off my face and look around, feeling extremely pathetic. I pull my Blackberry out with caution and look at the screen, praying hard that I won't see Tawni's name.

It works; I don't see Tawni's name.

I see Chad's.

**WUT R U DOIN?**

This again?

I type in, "I'm at the park with Zora."

**U WUNNA H4NG OUT?**

I send, "I can't."

**BYE**

Stupid jerk-throb.

Finally, I see Zora coming over to me, pocketing something she presumably got from A-hole when I wasn't looking.

"What was that all about?" I ask, because I'm way too curious for my own good.

"Don't worry about it," she says.

_Don't want to know, don't want to know…_

We walk back to my car in a semi-comfortable silence.

"So you can just drop me off at my house," she tells me when we're in the car.

I start cackling like a maniac.

"HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA…"

Zora looks at me like I'm having a seizure and pulls out her phone slowly. I snatch it from her and toss it in the backseat. I stop laughing abruptly.

"We're going to Tawni's," I state darkly. "Buckle up, and move back in your seat because you're eleven."

Then I peel out of the parking lot.

I arrive at Tawni's house and am flabbergasted. There are a thousand cars parked around her home, leaving absolutely no room for mine.

"Tawni's having a party?" Zora asks.

I growl.

I finally find a place near an unbelievably dirty Land Rover and practically fall out of the car. Zora laughs at me and skips over to the house with grace, undoubtedly just trying to make me feel bad.

Tawni opens the door and gives us a smile so big I have to resist the urge to shudder.

"WELCOME," she screams. She turns her head back in a way not unlike the _Exorcist_ and yells, "Tyetya, it's Sonny and Zora!"

WTF is the phrase of the evening.

Some lady who I assume is "Tyetya" starts speaking to her in foreign.

"Sonny, I don't want to meet Tawni's Russian relatives," Zora whines.

Tawni's Russian?

WTF?

I'm a terrible best friend.

In my defense, TAWNI WN'T LET MEE INNNNNN.

"You arrived just in time to eat," Tawni says cheerfully.

I grimace, feeling my headache getting worse.

"Cheerfully" doesn't work on Tawni Hart.

At least she's not carrying a lighter.

We follow her into the spacious dining room and find that it's packed with people I assume are related to Tawni. My "best" friend starts chatting away in Russian to them and I stare at her like she's just declared that she's had a change of heart about polyester.

I'm about to sit down when Tawni pulls me back up by the arm and whispers in my ear, "Not there; you don't want to talk to my aunt Tipsy."

I give her a WTF? look and whisper back, "Is that her name?" After all, what do I know about Russian names?

"Nope, that's her nickname," she tells me. "She will thrust a vodka-filled shot glass down your throat if you let her, so avoid her." Then she prances away happily.

A little unnerved, I thankfully find a seat next to a surprisingly relaxed Roman. "Having fun?" I ask him.

"Tons," he says, completely serious.

I nod uncertainly. Then I feel my phone vibrate.

I check the screen and resist the urge to throw it at Aunt Tipsy, who's chattering away as if she's not totally wasted, but obviously is by the way her head is swaying all around.

Is there something mentally wrong with Chad Dylan Cooper?

**WUT R U DOIN?**

_Cutting myself._

**BYE.**

Jerk.

Three hours, a dozen Russian insults (thank you Zora, for translating), lots of spilled vodka, and the passing out Aunt Tipsy later, I'm sitting on the couch with my head resting on the arm rest, trying to block out Tawni's grandparents' ongoing, unintelligible argument next to me (according to Tawni, they haven't gotten along in ten years, but believe it's senseless to get a divorce at their age). My headache is getting worse, and it's now accompanied by a stomachache. I have no idea what I ate for dinner, but I now wish I hadn't eaten it.

Tawni approaches me and informs me of the leftover Dzerenina and asks if I want it.

"No," I say simply. I vaguely remember Zora telling me it was some kind of goat meat, and that was not appealing. But Tawni gives me her irresistible a puppy dog look and I end up following her into the kitchen anyway. I scarf the stuff down as if my life depended on it.

I stumble back into the living room with marinade covering my face; my headache is now a full-blown migraine and my stomach is undoubtedly furious with me.

I groan loudly, startling Tawni's Aunt Klara.

She backhands me so hard I land sideways on the couch.

Everyone stares at me silently, unsure of how to react.

"Are you okay, Sonny?" Zora asks, fighting some giggles.

The shock is quickly replaced with a more uncomfortable feeling. "I need air," I utter quickly and dash for the front door. I puke up the Dzerenina all over Tawni's rose bushes.

I realize Tawni and Zora followed me outside.

"Sonny!" Tawni snaps. "Why did you do that?"

I bite back my unladylike reply and stand up, straightening my shirt. "I'll be leaving," I say, the sting in my cheek growing more painful by the second. "Come on, Zora."

I drop Zora off at her house and then head straight home. I puke up the rest of the dinner I had at Tawni's, turn on the TV in the living room to a Chelsea Lately rerun, and make myself comfortable on my couch. I ice my cheek pathetically.

My phone buzzes.

I exhale sharply.

Chad: WUT R U DOIN?  
Me: yes, chad. let's hang out.  
Chad: SUSHI BAR BY CONDR STDIOS. 10MIN

I reply with a quick "OK" and then take the battery out of my Blackberry. I put both on my coffee table and put the ice pack back on my cheek.

I spend the next day in bed with piles of books and magazines all artfully stacked arms-length away. I tell my mother I'm sick and she takes it to mean, "Leave me the eff alone." God bless her.

I celebrate my last day of freedom before my diet starts by eating peperoni pizza Hot Pockets and cheese puffs, with the Lifetime Movie Network playing in the background. All I'm missing are a couple of cats.

What is my life?

**Date: **Monday (08/24/10) - _continued  
_**Mood Music:** "Dog Days Are Over" by Florence and the Machine

Chad caught up to me earlier today. I expected him to comment on me standing him up Saturday night. I felt bad about doing that now. Chad wanted to hang out and I completely blew him off. It was a wrong thing to do, and I regretted it.

"Hey Sonny," he started, "Sorry for not meeting you at the sushi bar Saturday. I had a last-minute gathering I had to go to. We're cool, right?" He winked at me.

WTF? That asshole stood me up? How dare he? I disregarded the fact that I'd done the same thing and stomped angrily on his left foot.

"Go to hell," I snapped.

This could only happen to me.

FML.

/

**Author's Note / **This chapter was fun to write. Though I hope it didn't scare anyone off. It is a little crazy. Review if you're still onboard, please! (:


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